Navigating sober relationships

Studies show drinking culture in Australia is shifting. Some people are giving up alcohol entirely. Others are drinking less for health, mental wellbeing, or simply because alcohol no longer holds the same appeal. A growing number of partnerships now include one person who drinks and one who doesn't – or two people whose drinking habits don't quite line up. 

For some couples, this difference is a non-issue. For others, alcohol becomes a quiet source of friction that grows louder over time. 

Michael Davy, Practice Specialist (Counselling & Groups) at Interrelate, says people often frame this as ‘sober versus not sober’ – but the language itself can muddy the conversation. 

‘When we say sober, we need to be a little careful with definition,’ he explains. ‘Not sober usually implies a problem with alcohol, like alcoholism. But there’s a different conversation about couples where one partner wants no or low alcohol and the other wants more. Neither is necessarily an alcoholic, but the disparity is still real – and it still affects the relationship.’ 

This mismatch is what most sober relationships are navigating. Understanding it is where the work begins. 

The most recent National Drug Strategy Household Survey shows overall drinking rates in Australia have declined over the longer term, though they've plateaued over the last decade. Generational differences are clear: older Australians remain the heaviest drinkers, while younger generations drink less overall – though when they do drink, binge drinking remains a concern. 

The reasons younger Australians give for drinking less aren't always dramatic. 

‘Research from Drinkwise suggests the explanations aren’t highly specific,’ Michael says. ‘Some just aren’t interested. Others have seen the damage alcohol has done in older generations and have said, “I don't want that in my life.” For many, it just doesn't carry the same meaning it once did.’ 

Whether the driver is health, the sober-curious movement, recovery, mental wellbeing, or family history, more couples are now figuring out how to navigate a relationship where partners want different things from alcohol. 

The picture people often have of a mixed-drinking relationship – one heavy drinker, one teetotaller – is only one version. Alcohol disparity can show up anywhere on the scale. 

It might be: 

Michael recalls working with a couple where both partners drank heavily – and the disparity was about timing.  

‘One drank during the day. The other felt strongly that drinking shouldn’t start until 5pm. Both were drinking heavily, but the disparity was hugely affecting them. The issue can sit anywhere on the scale.’ 

The point isn't where on the spectrum each partner sits. It's the gap between where you are and where your partner is – and what that gap means to each of you. 

The research is consistent. An Australian longitudinal study of more than 550 young couples found that discrepancies in heavy drinking predicted lower relationship satisfaction over time, with the effect noticeably stronger for couples with parenting responsibilities. A broader evidence-based review of decades of research on alcohol and marital functioning reached the same conclusion: couples whose drinking patterns match – both light, both moderate, or both heavy – tend to fare better than couples whose patterns don’t. 

Michael sees this play out in his clinical work. 

‘Alcohol discrepancy in a relationship does predict tension and difficulty,’ he says. ‘It can become a gridlock – a polarising issue.’ 

But what drives the friction isn’t usually the alcohol itself. It’s what alcohol means to each person. 

‘For one person it might mean their partnerisn't emotionally available anymore,’ Michael explains. ‘For the other, it might mean their partner is no longer loosening up and having fun with them. It might affect finances. It might affect safety. Or one partner might have a dream of an alcohol-free family, because they want for their kids what they didn't have growing up.’ 

When alcohol carries that much meaning, the conversation can quickly become loaded. 

For some people, alcohol isn't just a beverage or a social ritual – it's a way of coping with difficult emotions or unresolved trauma. If that's part of the picture, the conversation about drinking is really a conversation about something else underneath. 

‘Part of the issue can be exploring how someone may be using alcohol to manage difficult emotions or trauma experiences,’ Michael says. ‘When that’s there, it’s worth looking at healthier options for dealing with those experiences – including seeking the right kind of support.’ 

That exploration is often more useful than any argument about how much, how often or when. It also reframes the conversation away from blame and towards care. 

Couples who navigate alcohol disparity well tend to do a few things differently. They bring the topic onto the table rather than avoid it. They slow down. They listen to each other’s experience instead of trying to win the argument. 

‘Healthy communication means having the conversation rather than avoiding it,’ Michael says. ‘It means putting your desired outcome aside, at least at first. Rather than trying to manoeuvre my partner to a particular position, I’m going to sit down and say, “Where are you at with this? Here’s where I’m at.” The focus then has to be understanding and listening.’ 

A few questions worth exploring together: 

‘Stop trying to get the other person across your line,’ Michael adds. ‘At that point, you’re no longer listening, curious or open – you're just trying to manoeuvre. From there, you’re in a much better place to find solutions. They might be creative, and they'll be different for every couple. It stops being your way or my way. It becomes: can we find our way?’