What is coercive control?

This article discusses domestic and family violence, including coercive control. If this topic feels distressing, you may wish to read with support or contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732.

You might not have the words for it yet – just the feeling that something isn’t right.

Maybe you’re walking on eggshells. Maybe you hesitate before speaking, disagreeing, or even making everyday decisions.

What is coercive control? It’s a pattern of behaviour designed to dominate, intimidate or isolate another person. And because it often builds gradually, it can be hard to recognise from the inside.

You might also wonder, what is controlling and coercive behaviour? It refers to repeated actions designed to dominate, isolate or intimidate a partner over time.

Coercive control is a form of abuse. It’s usually subtle at first and becomes more restrictive over time, reducing a person’s freedom and increasing fear or dependence.

Michael Davy, Practice Specialist, Counselling & Groups at Interrelate, says, ‘Coercive control is a pattern of abuse behaviours that seek to establish and maintain control over the victim.’

 

What is coercive control in a relationship – and why is it different from ‘normal’ conflict

All relationships have disagreements. But what is coercive control in a relationship? It’s not a rough patch or a communication issue. It’s a pattern where one person steadily removes the other person’s sense of autonomy.

Michael explains that the difference comes down to power, degree and fear – whether both people retain agency, or one person gradually removes it.

In a typical conflict, both people still have agency. In coercive control, one person steadily takes it away.

You might ask yourself:

• Do I feel like we’re equals, even when we disagree?

• Do I feel safe, even when things are tense?

• Do I feel afraid of what might happen next?
  

Signs of coercive control: what it can look like day to day

The signs of coercive control are not always obvious. It may look like jealousy, protectiveness, or ‘just being concerned’. But the pattern over time is what matters.

‘There are many ways that coercive control might be enacted,’ Michael says. ‘It is typically a pattern of use of a number of these behaviours together that exerts control over the victim, through fear and a shrinking level of self-determination.’

  

Common signs of coercive control can include:

• emotional manipulation – constant criticism, humiliation or shaming

• isolation – discouraging contact with friends or family

• intimidation – blocking doorways, punching walls, destroying property

• monitoring – checking your phone, tracking your location, demanding passwords

• threats– involving children, pets, finances or reputation

• control of daily life – what you wear, where you go, when you sleep

• systems abuse – using courts, police or services to harass

One of the clearest indicators is how you feel inside the relationship. Do you feel confident making decisions? Or do you feel fear, even if you can’t fully explain why?

 

What is financial coercive control? 

Money is one of the most powerful tools for control, especially when it makes leaving feel impossible.

Financial coercive control can look like:

• being denied access to bank accounts

• having to ask permission for essentials

• being prevented from working or studying

• debt taken out in your name

• constant scrutiny of spending
  

Financial control often sits alongside emotional isolation, making it harder to leave or seek support.

 

What is coercive control in Australia?

In Australia, coercive control is recognised as a central dynamic of family and domestic violence.

Under the Australian Government’s National Principles, it is defined as: ‘Perpetrators using patterns of abusive behaviours over time in a way that creates fear and denies liberty and autonomy.’

The emphasis is on a pattern, not a single incident. It may involve physical or non-physical abuse, or a combination of both.

Coercive control is now a criminal offence in New South Wales, Queensland and South Australia. While each state’s legislation differs, they share common elements: a repeated pattern of abusive behaviour, an intention to coerce or control, and conduct that would reasonably be likely to cause fear, harm or serious impact on a person’s autonomy and wellbeing. 

Penalties range from seven years imprisonment in New South Wales and South Australia to 14 years in Queensland, reflecting the recognition that ongoing patterns of domination, restriction and fear – not just physical violence – can constitute a serious criminal offence.

 

The scale of coercive control in Australia

Coercive control can be difficult to measure because it is cumulative and often woven into everyday life. However, national data on emotional and economic abuse shows the scale of non-physical abuse.

The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare reports that:

• 23 per cent of women (2.3 million) and 14 per cent of men (1.3 million) have experienced emotional abuse by a current or previous partner.

• 16 per cent of women (1.6 million) and 7.8 per cent of men (745,000) have experienced economic abuse.

These figures do not represent all experiences of coercive control. But they highlight something important: abuse is not always physical, and patterns of control, fear and restriction affect millions of Australians.

 

What evidence is needed for coercive control and how to seek help safely

If you’re worried about coercive control, your first priority is safety – not proving it. If it’s safe to do so, documentation can help later. Options may include:  

• saving screenshots on a device your partner cannot access

• keeping notes of incidents with dates

• storing important documents with someone you trust

• speaking with a GP or counsellor who can document disclosures

If you suspect your devices are being monitored, use a safer phone or computer and speak to a specialist service about safety planning.

 

How to seek help safely

If you’re living with controlling or abusive behaviour, you don’t have to figure it out on your own. 

‘Interrelate is here to help with your relationship challenges,’ Michael says. ‘We also have case workers who can help you with general support around domestic violence for those who are not in immediate crisis.’

To summarise, coercive control is an ongoing pattern of behaviours designed to reduce someone’s freedom and increase fear, dependence and self-doubt. It often starts quietly, and it often gets worse over time. It can happen even if there’s still love in the relationship.

If any part of this has felt familiar, you deserve support that’s respectful, confidential and practical. We offer family and domestic violence support, counselling and separation support for those who are not in immediate crisis. Our team can help you understand what’s happening, explore your options, and take safer next steps at your own pace.

If you’re in immediate danger, call Triple Zero (000).

You can also call 1800RESPECT, the national domestic, family and sexual violence counselling, information and support service, available 24/7.